When you are thinking about the bigger picture or
remembering that your spouse is your best friend and that you love them, how
much harder is it to continue on your selfish rampage, your complaining about
the smallest things? In my marriage I am probably (most definitely) the biggest
instigator of arguments. John Gottman, author of “The Seven Principles of
Making Marriage Work” says that this is a genetic difference between male and
female. As females, we are accustomed to reregulating our feelings more easily,
thus conflict may not bother us as much. A male, my husband, is more likely to
shrug off something that is irritating him to avoid a conflict and bringing to
the surface ill feelings.
John
Gottman wrote in his book, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it
offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” I
am so grateful that I count my husband as my best friend. Just because we are
best friends definitely does not mean that conflict and petty arguments don’t
arise. When love and friendship lead in our marriages, we learn how to manage
our conflicts in a way that does not degrade either spouse. Repair attempts are tricks that are used in most relationships and conflicts. Some are successful
while others are not. Learning a repair technique that works in your marriage
can be so beneficial.
Between
Rybot and I, repair attempts vary. One repair attempt I use quite often is any
quote that comes to mind from the awesome movie, “Finding Nemo”. This could be
something like, “just keep swimming, swimming, swimming”, when we are talking
about finances or something else that we just have to swim through in life.
During an argument, I urge anyone, especially myself, to take a moment to pause
and analyze the way that you personally are escalating the fight and decide to
not ramp up the tension, but to listen, maybe use a repair attempt, maybe even
back down if you realize you are in the wrong.
This is
so hard for me. I get really emotionally fueled and can go on and on. A couple
of weeks ago Rybot asked me what he could do better. I didn’t realize he was
talking about one specific thing that we had been talking about earlier. When
he asked that, I was already mulling over in my mind the things that were bothering
me. I went into a full blown attack, criticizing a million things that he doesn’t
do, slacks on, doesn’t reach my expectations on, etc. I saw all life, happiness
drain from him. Of course he stonewalled me, meaning he had nothing to reply
with. He wanted this horrible attack to cease. So, he left the room and went to
start doing dishes. That was what I wanted from him, wasn’t it? I knew I had hurt
him, but instead of immediately going to apologize, I continued to walk into
the kitchen to throw a few more knives, attack a little more. I probably did
this a couple times before I took a minute to bring down the evil that seemed
to take over my spirit. I remember thinking, “oh my gosh, I just let Satan
totally take over here. How horrible!” I
went into the kitchen and stared at him until he looked up at me, He said he
loved me and I said I was so sorry. A little later I told him that Satan took
over. That was my little repair attempt.
That whole
conflict would never have happened had I let love lead my words and my actions.
He wasn’t even fighting back, this was a one sided attack. I think that is when
I most easily go over the top, because I didn’t even have to compete with
counterattacks; hey, it’s pretty easy to rub someone’s face in the ground when
they are already down there, right?
John
Gottman teaches of the “Four Horseman”, the things that lead to divorce and
unhappiness in marriage. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and
stonewalling. I encourage anyone to look these up and to focus on how they are
dealing with disagreements in their relationships, particularly marriage. After
learning about these things, I don’t think any of us are in the clear of using
some of these detrimental tactics in our relations.
Let love lead.
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