Faml300-03 Creating Family "Rules"

          There are some different types of family rules. Family rules make up how a family is run. Some rules are are stated or posted in the home, while others are just the order of how things run, for example where dad sits or what things you can or cannot speak about.
         When I got married, my husband and I created our own family. Our family needed rules. Each of us came from different families, thus different rules--some rules very different. As two people join in marriage, they need the opportunity to create their own family culture or rules.
         In the book, "Creating Healthy Ties With In-laws and Extended Family, it says, “Mothers-in-law usually discover early that their daughters-in-law are not like them, and in some cases, this may be upsetting. Parents who are more enmeshed with their children hold expectations that their children-in-law will be like them. A more realistic expectation is that children-in-law will bring new perspectives into the family, and the family can learn from these differences and be complemented by them.”
        It is a very unique experience to be married and have a whole, huge group of people to learn to "live with". While being married I have felt like I don't connect with my husband's family. I have had to learn what their family rules are so that I can somewhat fit in when in their home and I am quite sure I still break rules often. My husband, Rybot and I have very different rules already than his family and my family of origin.
        Now, I don't think it is just me that worries about being accepted. "A primary issue for new spouses is how parents and other family members include a new person in their family system. Do they act like they do when people outside the family visit, or do they show the side that has heretofore been reserved just for family members? And if they act like they do around family, will this newcomer accept them?”(Harper, p.329). I think that it takes time to figure out how everyone will include the newcomer and for the newcomer to figure out how to feel comfortable in the new setting.
       The main thing that I have learned is that it is so important for the new family, in this case my husband and myself, to have their lives and living situation separate from both families. The new family needs to build up their own system, rules, and way of daily life. Each side of the family has their opinions and shares them in different ways, but Rybot and I have to figure out what kind of advice or control we will take into our lives. All parents-in-law have to find how to release their hold on their children and become a supportive figure in their children's lives.