Faml300-03 Where Are Your Manners?

I was reminded of something this week in my online marriage course. We are our worst selves to those we are closest to or those we love the most. At least for me, my manners seem to have completely vanished. An example is given in John Gottman’s book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, but even one of my own is practically the same. Whilst in an argument with my husband, I was telling him how frustrating it is that he never does the dishes. Honestly, I was tearing into it pretty hard. Then, my phone rings. I see that it is my sister. I answer with an upbeat, “What up my sista?!” Us girls go on to have a pleasant conversation. Getting off the phone I see that my husband is doing some dishes. I go to interrogate further by saying, “Wow, isn’t it easy to do dishes?” I changed my mood quickly when someone else was asking for my attention, so I obviously was choosing to be upset and rude.

In the book it examples having guests over and if they break something, we would tell them it is alright and clean it up. When someone in our family or our spouse does likewise, I think most of us have a different reaction. Yes, mine is quite volatile and impatient. This is crazy! If my husband is ever the same way to me, which also sets me off. I seem to have no tolerance for his impatience or if he does not give me respect. Wo, wo, wo. Hold on. Simple thing we all learn when we are young; if we want someone to be kind to us, we need to first be kind to them. I think it would do me some good to review the primary song, “Kindness Begins With Me”.

So, for those on going annoyances or arguments, simply put forth kindness. Manners may need to be dusted off. Over the past few days I have tried to notice how often I am genuinely kind to my husband, using my manners by saying please and thank you. It is embarrassing that I rarely use these simple, but powerful phrases. If there is any sort of tension in your marriage or other relationships, just try to treat that person as an acquaintance. We are kind to most acquaintances, I hope. Bring out the manners and I really think this is a good, simple thing to focus on. It can ease the tension in all the problems we have in relationships. Thank you for reading my post. Please, come again! ;)

Faml300-03 Is Pride or Love Winning?

         I am guilty, guilty, guilty!  I often find myself having little annoyances over the things that others do, things that my husband does. When I have these annoyances I dwell on them, nitpick about them, and allow them to steal and suck the joy out of my relationship with my husband. Former president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Ezra Taft Benson, gave an address entitled, "Beware of Pride". He taught of how The Book of Mormon has a main point for us to pick up on. Pride is what will destroy all of our relationships. It destroys our relationships with friends, family, and with the Lord.
        He told how pride is competitive. Pride is very concerned with being above others and assuming a fight position. There is absolutely no love for our neighbor when we are prideful. I can change the way that I view the things that bother me. If I pause and think about the things that bug me and think about how I love my husband, I no longer want to say anything. Honestly, I am letting Satan rule my feelings when I want to point out random little things that bug me. In the book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage" by, H. Wallace Goddard, PhD. there is an example of a young wife who has read that it is a good idea to sit down and share the little things that bother you about your spouse and let them give back similar information. They tried it in their home and she began by telling her husband that the way he eats grapefruit is wrong, annoying, and she just won't be able to stand it forever. He needed to change. Then, it was his turn. He told her there was nothing he wanted to present to her that was bothering him.

         She felt so horrible and silly. I feel that same way as I have reviewed the things that I have dwelt on and tried to change in Rybot. He is not doing anything wrong. I am being prideful, trying to control things around me when all I need to do is repent. In Goddard's book he says, "In fact, any time we feel irritated with our spouses, that irritation is not an invitation to call our spouses to repentance but an invitation to call ourselves to repent. We are irritated because of our own lack of faith and humility" (p. 77).
       So, I can repent when I feel irritated, I can humble myself, I can focus on the love I have for my spouse and for others. Goddard continued, "when I do feel loving, irritations roll off my soul like water on a duck's back" (p. 83). Through love and continual repentance I can be innocent, innocent, innocent! I can focus on loving Rybot. Love wins and pride loses. Every time.

Fml300-03 Creating a Culture

               In John M. Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", Principle 7 is to Create shared meaning. As individuals we all have our own likes and dislikes. Some things we may share with our spouse, while some are important to us and unimportant to our spouse. One way to be bonded to your spouse and as a family, ultimately, is to create a culture.

              There are different things that make up cultures. A culture is built on specific events, holidays, traditions, foods, language, activities, and many other things. There are "Four Pillars" that Dr. Gottman has found to be important in this shared meaning or creating a culture. The first is that of rituals of connection. This would be traditions that we have within our families. They can come from what either spouse had while growing up or things that they want to implement in their marriage or family. 

              My husband and I talk a lot about the traditions we want in our home, with our family. There are many things that we think are very important to happen in our family, but they don't always seem to occur. Some rituals or traditions that we have or strive to have are: a weekly family night, a date night, camping, dutch oven cooking, praying together, hiking, reading good books together, attending the Temple to do work for ancestors. Even though we think that some of these are important, they don't always happen. We need to work on being very intentional with our time. One other thing that we both had growing up, but have fallen short on is eating dinner together as a family, at the table. Being newly married and no kids it was so easy to just sit down on the couch and watch a movie during dinner. Now that we have a daughter I am recognizing that we are going to have to be very intentional about making a habit of a proper family dinner each night. 

            The second pillar that is presented is supporting each other's roles. There are many different ideas among couples and individuals of the roles of husband and wife. This has to do with work and home life and how it should be balanced. Dr. Gottman does not point out any way that is more correct than another, but that it is important for spouses to agree on this or to work with one another depending on each person's desires. I believe that my duty or calling is to be a mother and I want to be fully engaged in that. At this time in my life I don't feel that is right for me to be in the work force, though it would be so helpful in our financial situation. Luckily, my husband supports my wishes and agrees. He wants me to be able to be with our daughter, teaching and loving her. We make sacrifices of not having all the things that other people have and try to live frugally. He is the provider and accepts and desires that role. 

            Shared Goals is the third pillar. These can and should be goals for the marriage, for family, individual, and all that those core topics include. Having goals and using those as how to move forward and work together is so beneficial. Shared goals can and should be worked towards together, while personal goals should be cheered on. I personally am striving to graduate college as soon as possible, which is probably every college student's goal, but Rybot is not doing school. He cheers me on because he recognizes that it is important to be, thus he enables me to accomplish it and encourages me when I want to give up on my goal. This part of our culture I see as us have perseverance, stamina, drive, etc. Goals help us to keep focus and to be productive. 

         

               The final pillar is shared values and symbols. Rybot and I share our core beliefs and values, these being deeply rooted in our testimonies in our living Savior, Jesus Christ. We strive to be like Him each day, though we most often fall short. We work towards bettering ourselves and just being as Christlike as possible. We try to do what is right and be humble, helpful, and charitable. Another major thing in our culture is expressing love. I think that expressing love is so important. I have told many people that I think that hugs are so important. They lift my spirits and I feel much happier the more hugs I have. I am not saying I want strangers hugging me all the time, but I think that families should express their love vocally and physically. 

          As I learned about building a culture to improve and strengthen my marriage I thought about how important this is. There are traditions and aspects of culture that can live on for generations. I want to have those things within my marriage and family that I just can't live without and that my children want to take with them into their marriages and families some day. I encourage anyone and everyone to build their own specific culture. As I think about the culture that has started in my own marriage, that is what holds us together and bonds us even though we have our differences.  

Fml300-03 The Prize Ain't Free

         In the book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, it says, "Most of us want the prize without paying the price"(p.40). Later in the same chapter, chapter 2, it says, "In striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly)giving up the egocentrisms of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood. We make a covenantal step toward unselfishnes"(p.43).  This is something that I think about a lot. In marriage, we are given the greatest opportunity to become like our Heavenly Father and like Jesus Christ; selfless and being able to truly understand charity.

       Marriage is hard, but it also can be so fun! Before getting married, Rybot and I had a lot of fun. We were going to school at BYU-Idaho and somehow seemed to have plenty of free time. We spent a lot of time in one of the large buildings on campus reading, talking, analyzing the artwork, dreaming, and building our love maps. Love Map is a term from Dr. Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". He says, "...emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's world. I call this having a richly detailed love map--my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life" (p. 54). 

         Before marriage we easily and freely build our love maps of our future spouse. This is something that I hope is common practice. The thing about love maps is that they must be constantly updated to be able to strengthen our marriages. Within Dr. Gottman's book there are several questionnaire's or games to play between spouses and as Rybot and I did the first one, questioning some of the significant times in our lives or our favorite things, it was interesting to see the things that we still believed about each other that we had shared over 3 years ago. As I better know and understand my husband, his hopes and dreams, I can better serve him. In the gospel of Jesus Christ we are taught that marriage is eternal, but for it to be eternal we don't just get married and move on; we have got to work at loving our spouse everyday and helping them on their journey. The main idea that I think brings this all together and it works in all relationships is that you must give more than you take; that is charity and that is putting someone else's needs above your own. That is the best investment we can make. 

Faml300-03 When Love Leads

                When you are thinking about the bigger picture or remembering that your spouse is your best friend and that you love them, how much harder is it to continue on your selfish rampage, your complaining about the smallest things? In my marriage I am probably (most definitely) the biggest instigator of arguments. John Gottman, author of “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” says that this is a genetic difference between male and female. As females, we are accustomed to reregulating our feelings more easily, thus conflict may not bother us as much. A male, my husband, is more likely to shrug off something that is irritating him to avoid a conflict and bringing to the surface ill feelings.

                John Gottman wrote in his book, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” I am so grateful that I count my husband as my best friend. Just because we are best friends definitely does not mean that conflict and petty arguments don’t arise. When love and friendship lead in our marriages, we learn how to manage our conflicts in a way that does not degrade either spouse. Repair attempts are tricks that are used in most relationships and conflicts. Some are successful while others are not. Learning a repair technique that works in your marriage can be so beneficial.

                Between Rybot and I, repair attempts vary. One repair attempt I use quite often is any quote that comes to mind from the awesome movie, “Finding Nemo”. This could be something like, “just keep swimming, swimming, swimming”, when we are talking about finances or something else that we just have to swim through in life. During an argument, I urge anyone, especially myself, to take a moment to pause and analyze the way that you personally are escalating the fight and decide to not ramp up the tension, but to listen, maybe use a repair attempt, maybe even back down if you realize you are in the wrong.

                This is so hard for me. I get really emotionally fueled and can go on and on. A couple of weeks ago Rybot asked me what he could do better. I didn’t realize he was talking about one specific thing that we had been talking about earlier. When he asked that, I was already mulling over in my mind the things that were bothering me. I went into a full blown attack, criticizing a million things that he doesn’t do, slacks on, doesn’t reach my expectations on, etc. I saw all life, happiness drain from him. Of course he stonewalled me, meaning he had nothing to reply with. He wanted this horrible attack to cease. So, he left the room and went to start doing dishes. That was what I wanted from him, wasn’t it? I knew I had hurt him, but instead of immediately going to apologize, I continued to walk into the kitchen to throw a few more knives, attack a little more. I probably did this a couple times before I took a minute to bring down the evil that seemed to take over my spirit. I remember thinking, “oh my gosh, I just let Satan totally take over here. How horrible!”  I went into the kitchen and stared at him until he looked up at me, He said he loved me and I said I was so sorry. A little later I told him that Satan took over. That was my little repair attempt.

                That whole conflict would never have happened had I let love lead my words and my actions. He wasn’t even fighting back, this was a one sided attack. I think that is when I most easily go over the top, because I didn’t even have to compete with counterattacks; hey, it’s pretty easy to rub someone’s face in the ground when they are already down there, right?

                John Gottman teaches of the “Four Horseman”, the things that lead to divorce and unhappiness in marriage. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I encourage anyone to look these up and to focus on how they are dealing with disagreements in their relationships, particularly marriage. After learning about these things, I don’t think any of us are in the clear of using some of these detrimental tactics in our relations.  

Let love lead. 

Faml300-03 Covenant Marriage

         In the weeks leading up to marrying my husband, I read some different books that were given to me such as, "Sacred Union" and "Endowed From On High". I went through Temple Preparation in my student ward. I felt as though I was doing a final cram session before the big test. I had a testimony of the importance of temple marriage and that families can be together forever. Temple marriage and sealing is the key to getting to be with our Heavenly Father.

       Our wedding day was the very beginning of the true test; journey to return to Him. I am learning every day about how to have a covenant marriage and not just a contractual marriage. I am so grateful for the Holy Temples. The temple reminds me of what I and my husband are striving for.

       Less than a year into marriage my husband and I decided that we wanted to start having children. I was able to get pregnant and of course the anticipation began to build. We were so excited. I began to realize that being a wife and mother was really all I wanted. I had always been, and still am to some degree, afraid to voice that, because the world tells us that those things are on the side of what we are to become and do. I was so excited to be able to dedicate my life to being a mother and wife. Just before reaching 15 weeks pregnant I had a miscarriage.
      This was so hard and I could hardly look at my husband, because surely he was upset with me, didn't want a wife who couldn't have a baby, etc. There are so many things that went through my mind at that time. The main thing on my mind was that I was SO grateful to be married in the temple, to be sealed to Rybot for time and all eternity. I knew that all that is not fair or right in the world will be made right, because of the atonement of Jesus Christ.
     Those few months after this, was the first big trial during our marriage. I remember a few months before I had gotten pregnant; Rybot and I had been talking about how wonderful everything was going in our lives. We talked about how when things are going too good you wonder when the trial in your life is going to show up. Well, it did show up.  Rybot stood by me, held me when I couldn't hold it together, patiently waited for me to be able to talk.
    Thinking back on that time, I think of how Rybot exemplified a man in a covenant marriage. He lifted me up, shared his testimony with me, loved me and he does that every day. There are distinct things that make a marriage covenant and not just contractual.
    What I will do to be sure I have a covenant marriage:

•      Pray for my husband 
•      Be kinder
•      Be patient
•      Serve my husband
•      Study my scriptures
•      Repent of my wrong doings
•     Serve my children and teach them right from wrong
•     Be joyous in my husband's accomplishments
•     Be a listener