Fml300-03 Creating a Culture

               In John M. Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", Principle 7 is to Create shared meaning. As individuals we all have our own likes and dislikes. Some things we may share with our spouse, while some are important to us and unimportant to our spouse. One way to be bonded to your spouse and as a family, ultimately, is to create a culture.

              There are different things that make up cultures. A culture is built on specific events, holidays, traditions, foods, language, activities, and many other things. There are "Four Pillars" that Dr. Gottman has found to be important in this shared meaning or creating a culture. The first is that of rituals of connection. This would be traditions that we have within our families. They can come from what either spouse had while growing up or things that they want to implement in their marriage or family. 

              My husband and I talk a lot about the traditions we want in our home, with our family. There are many things that we think are very important to happen in our family, but they don't always seem to occur. Some rituals or traditions that we have or strive to have are: a weekly family night, a date night, camping, dutch oven cooking, praying together, hiking, reading good books together, attending the Temple to do work for ancestors. Even though we think that some of these are important, they don't always happen. We need to work on being very intentional with our time. One other thing that we both had growing up, but have fallen short on is eating dinner together as a family, at the table. Being newly married and no kids it was so easy to just sit down on the couch and watch a movie during dinner. Now that we have a daughter I am recognizing that we are going to have to be very intentional about making a habit of a proper family dinner each night. 

            The second pillar that is presented is supporting each other's roles. There are many different ideas among couples and individuals of the roles of husband and wife. This has to do with work and home life and how it should be balanced. Dr. Gottman does not point out any way that is more correct than another, but that it is important for spouses to agree on this or to work with one another depending on each person's desires. I believe that my duty or calling is to be a mother and I want to be fully engaged in that. At this time in my life I don't feel that is right for me to be in the work force, though it would be so helpful in our financial situation. Luckily, my husband supports my wishes and agrees. He wants me to be able to be with our daughter, teaching and loving her. We make sacrifices of not having all the things that other people have and try to live frugally. He is the provider and accepts and desires that role. 

            Shared Goals is the third pillar. These can and should be goals for the marriage, for family, individual, and all that those core topics include. Having goals and using those as how to move forward and work together is so beneficial. Shared goals can and should be worked towards together, while personal goals should be cheered on. I personally am striving to graduate college as soon as possible, which is probably every college student's goal, but Rybot is not doing school. He cheers me on because he recognizes that it is important to be, thus he enables me to accomplish it and encourages me when I want to give up on my goal. This part of our culture I see as us have perseverance, stamina, drive, etc. Goals help us to keep focus and to be productive. 

         

               The final pillar is shared values and symbols. Rybot and I share our core beliefs and values, these being deeply rooted in our testimonies in our living Savior, Jesus Christ. We strive to be like Him each day, though we most often fall short. We work towards bettering ourselves and just being as Christlike as possible. We try to do what is right and be humble, helpful, and charitable. Another major thing in our culture is expressing love. I think that expressing love is so important. I have told many people that I think that hugs are so important. They lift my spirits and I feel much happier the more hugs I have. I am not saying I want strangers hugging me all the time, but I think that families should express their love vocally and physically. 

          As I learned about building a culture to improve and strengthen my marriage I thought about how important this is. There are traditions and aspects of culture that can live on for generations. I want to have those things within my marriage and family that I just can't live without and that my children want to take with them into their marriages and families some day. I encourage anyone and everyone to build their own specific culture. As I think about the culture that has started in my own marriage, that is what holds us together and bonds us even though we have our differences.  

Fml300-03 The Prize Ain't Free

         In the book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, it says, "Most of us want the prize without paying the price"(p.40). Later in the same chapter, chapter 2, it says, "In striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly)giving up the egocentrisms of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood. We make a covenantal step toward unselfishnes"(p.43).  This is something that I think about a lot. In marriage, we are given the greatest opportunity to become like our Heavenly Father and like Jesus Christ; selfless and being able to truly understand charity.

       Marriage is hard, but it also can be so fun! Before getting married, Rybot and I had a lot of fun. We were going to school at BYU-Idaho and somehow seemed to have plenty of free time. We spent a lot of time in one of the large buildings on campus reading, talking, analyzing the artwork, dreaming, and building our love maps. Love Map is a term from Dr. Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". He says, "...emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's world. I call this having a richly detailed love map--my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life" (p. 54). 

         Before marriage we easily and freely build our love maps of our future spouse. This is something that I hope is common practice. The thing about love maps is that they must be constantly updated to be able to strengthen our marriages. Within Dr. Gottman's book there are several questionnaire's or games to play between spouses and as Rybot and I did the first one, questioning some of the significant times in our lives or our favorite things, it was interesting to see the things that we still believed about each other that we had shared over 3 years ago. As I better know and understand my husband, his hopes and dreams, I can better serve him. In the gospel of Jesus Christ we are taught that marriage is eternal, but for it to be eternal we don't just get married and move on; we have got to work at loving our spouse everyday and helping them on their journey. The main idea that I think brings this all together and it works in all relationships is that you must give more than you take; that is charity and that is putting someone else's needs above your own. That is the best investment we can make. 

Faml300-03 When Love Leads

                When you are thinking about the bigger picture or remembering that your spouse is your best friend and that you love them, how much harder is it to continue on your selfish rampage, your complaining about the smallest things? In my marriage I am probably (most definitely) the biggest instigator of arguments. John Gottman, author of “The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” says that this is a genetic difference between male and female. As females, we are accustomed to reregulating our feelings more easily, thus conflict may not bother us as much. A male, my husband, is more likely to shrug off something that is irritating him to avoid a conflict and bringing to the surface ill feelings.

                John Gottman wrote in his book, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” I am so grateful that I count my husband as my best friend. Just because we are best friends definitely does not mean that conflict and petty arguments don’t arise. When love and friendship lead in our marriages, we learn how to manage our conflicts in a way that does not degrade either spouse. Repair attempts are tricks that are used in most relationships and conflicts. Some are successful while others are not. Learning a repair technique that works in your marriage can be so beneficial.

                Between Rybot and I, repair attempts vary. One repair attempt I use quite often is any quote that comes to mind from the awesome movie, “Finding Nemo”. This could be something like, “just keep swimming, swimming, swimming”, when we are talking about finances or something else that we just have to swim through in life. During an argument, I urge anyone, especially myself, to take a moment to pause and analyze the way that you personally are escalating the fight and decide to not ramp up the tension, but to listen, maybe use a repair attempt, maybe even back down if you realize you are in the wrong.

                This is so hard for me. I get really emotionally fueled and can go on and on. A couple of weeks ago Rybot asked me what he could do better. I didn’t realize he was talking about one specific thing that we had been talking about earlier. When he asked that, I was already mulling over in my mind the things that were bothering me. I went into a full blown attack, criticizing a million things that he doesn’t do, slacks on, doesn’t reach my expectations on, etc. I saw all life, happiness drain from him. Of course he stonewalled me, meaning he had nothing to reply with. He wanted this horrible attack to cease. So, he left the room and went to start doing dishes. That was what I wanted from him, wasn’t it? I knew I had hurt him, but instead of immediately going to apologize, I continued to walk into the kitchen to throw a few more knives, attack a little more. I probably did this a couple times before I took a minute to bring down the evil that seemed to take over my spirit. I remember thinking, “oh my gosh, I just let Satan totally take over here. How horrible!”  I went into the kitchen and stared at him until he looked up at me, He said he loved me and I said I was so sorry. A little later I told him that Satan took over. That was my little repair attempt.

                That whole conflict would never have happened had I let love lead my words and my actions. He wasn’t even fighting back, this was a one sided attack. I think that is when I most easily go over the top, because I didn’t even have to compete with counterattacks; hey, it’s pretty easy to rub someone’s face in the ground when they are already down there, right?

                John Gottman teaches of the “Four Horseman”, the things that lead to divorce and unhappiness in marriage. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I encourage anyone to look these up and to focus on how they are dealing with disagreements in their relationships, particularly marriage. After learning about these things, I don’t think any of us are in the clear of using some of these detrimental tactics in our relations.  

Let love lead. 

Faml300-03 Covenant Marriage

         In the weeks leading up to marrying my husband, I read some different books that were given to me such as, "Sacred Union" and "Endowed From On High". I went through Temple Preparation in my student ward. I felt as though I was doing a final cram session before the big test. I had a testimony of the importance of temple marriage and that families can be together forever. Temple marriage and sealing is the key to getting to be with our Heavenly Father.

       Our wedding day was the very beginning of the true test; journey to return to Him. I am learning every day about how to have a covenant marriage and not just a contractual marriage. I am so grateful for the Holy Temples. The temple reminds me of what I and my husband are striving for.

       Less than a year into marriage my husband and I decided that we wanted to start having children. I was able to get pregnant and of course the anticipation began to build. We were so excited. I began to realize that being a wife and mother was really all I wanted. I had always been, and still am to some degree, afraid to voice that, because the world tells us that those things are on the side of what we are to become and do. I was so excited to be able to dedicate my life to being a mother and wife. Just before reaching 15 weeks pregnant I had a miscarriage.
      This was so hard and I could hardly look at my husband, because surely he was upset with me, didn't want a wife who couldn't have a baby, etc. There are so many things that went through my mind at that time. The main thing on my mind was that I was SO grateful to be married in the temple, to be sealed to Rybot for time and all eternity. I knew that all that is not fair or right in the world will be made right, because of the atonement of Jesus Christ.
     Those few months after this, was the first big trial during our marriage. I remember a few months before I had gotten pregnant; Rybot and I had been talking about how wonderful everything was going in our lives. We talked about how when things are going too good you wonder when the trial in your life is going to show up. Well, it did show up.  Rybot stood by me, held me when I couldn't hold it together, patiently waited for me to be able to talk.
    Thinking back on that time, I think of how Rybot exemplified a man in a covenant marriage. He lifted me up, shared his testimony with me, loved me and he does that every day. There are distinct things that make a marriage covenant and not just contractual.
    What I will do to be sure I have a covenant marriage:

•      Pray for my husband 
•      Be kinder
•      Be patient
•      Serve my husband
•      Study my scriptures
•      Repent of my wrong doings
•     Serve my children and teach them right from wrong
•     Be joyous in my husband's accomplishments
•     Be a listener

Fml300-03 Traditional Marriage

       There are inherent differences between males and females. These differences help to form society. In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we believe that the family is the basic unit of society. As I think about the unique relationship that occurs in a male-female relationship I think about symbiotic relationships. I looked up symbiotic relationships and found that obligate symbiosis is when two organisms are in a symbiotic relationship because they cannot survive without one another. Without the traditional romantic relationships/marriages of man and woman there would be no survival. To me this makes complete sense and thus of course traditional marriage is all there should be. 

       Now, there are many other reasons why I stand for traditional marriage. Some points being that marriage is ordained of God, not a man-created contract that we even have the authority to reconstruct as well as the point that our in-born emotional capabilities call for the need of emotional and physical intermingling of the two sexes. 

        One thing that I have noticed is that many girls turn to homosexual behavior when they are not getting wanted attention from males or this necessary emotional connection. I watched many girls from middle school into high school strive to be noticed by the boys and soon after they started to “date” girls. Girls are easier to connect with, they could relate better, etc. That is normal, because as girls, we do relate better, we can be comrades. Girls are meant to be friends, able to discuss things, but not to be romantically intimate.  

         In a male-female romantic relationship there is a unique finding in learning to communicate with the opposite sex and becoming more developed. This bonds the two genders together. The bond is being lost with all of the homosexual relations occurring. The world is telling us that everything is more open now and that differences are being dissolved. Why would we want to dissolve the inherent differences? Those differences between male and female are vitally important. Women are better than men at many things and men are better than women at other things. There is a reason there is man and woman and not one neutral gender. Masculinity and femininity cover all of the emotional needs and understandings of the world.   

       President Russell M. Nelson said, “Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad.”

      The Family: A Proclamation to the World states, “ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”

      It is easy to see and understand the opinion that it doesn’t matter what someone else does, it’s their choice, or better yet, 2 Nephi 28:7 “Yea, and there shall be many which shall say: Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die; and it shall be well with us.” It makes sense if you do not believe in God. With that thinking there is really no point to most anything in life and ethics of any sort are out the window. Knowing there is a Father in Heaven, a Creator, I continue.

      Marriage is instituted and ordained of God. We, as citizens or members of a court have no place in changing the institution of marriage. Supreme Court Justice Alito, when dissenting the legalization of same-sex marriage stated, “The Members of this Court have the authority and the responsibility to interpret and apply the Constitution. Thus, if the Constitution contained a provision guaranteeing the right to marry a person of the same sex, it would be our duty to enforce that right. But the Constitution simply does not speak to the issue of same-sex marriage.” (Obergefell v. Hodges (2015).   

      President Nelson stated similarly, “God is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists. Marriage was created by God!” 

   
     Why did God ordain marriage and why is it so important? It is through marriage that we can truly become and where the gaps are filled and there is true integrity.

    

     President Nelson completed this thought perfectly by saying, “There is great power in a strong partnership. True partners can achieve more than the sum of each acting alone. With true partners, one plus one is much more than two. For example, Dr. Will Mayo and his brother, Dr. Charles Mayo, formed the Mayo Clinic. Lawyers and others form important partnerships. And in marriage, a husband and wife can form the most significant partnership of all—an eternal family.”

      

       Extra food for thought:

“And blessed are all they who are persecuted for my name’s sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”  3 Nephi 12:10

Who’s on the Lord’s Side Lyrics:

1. Who's on the Lord's side? Who?

Now is the time to show.

We ask it fearlessly:

Who's on the Lord's side? Who?

We wage no common war,

Cope with no common foe.

The enemy's awake;

Who's on the Lord's side? Who?

2. We serve the living God,

And want his foes to know

That, if but few, we're great;

Who's on the Lord's side? Who?

We're going on to win;

No fear must blanch the brow.

The Lord of Hosts is ours;

Who's on the Lord's side? Who?

4. The pow'rs of earth and hell

In rage direct the blow

That's aimed to crush the work;

Who's on the Lord's side? Who?

Truth, life, and liberty,

Freedom from death and woe,

Are stakes we're fighting for;

Who's on the Lord's side? Who?

(Chorus)

Who's on the Lord's side? Who?

Now is the time to show.

We ask it fearlessly:

Who's on the Lord's side? Who?


Sources: 

The Family: A Proclamation to the World, The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of   
    Latter-day Saints

Obergefell v. Hodges (2015)

Nelson, Russell M. (2014, Aug. 14). Disciples of Jesus Christ-Defenders of Marriage. Brigham 

     Young University Commencement.

Faml 300-03 Keeping Marriages Together

          Does anyone really care if my marriage is strong or fails? This is a question that probably many people ask. Many people wonder if marriage is even important, if children really need their parents to be married. I can tell you that it does matter. We can observe so many different families and their marriage circumstances. Time and again we see that marriage is what works. Yes, there are exceptions, but a solid family where the parents are married is the ideal and what works the best.

 
         One problem that individuals in the world face is feelings of loneliness and not having someone to lean on. We have friends and people that are around, but in marriage you have someone who you can/should be able to trust completely. Married people typically have better all over health, especially emotional health. My husband is someone who I don't have to worry about putting up a strong front for or worry what he thinks of me. We dealt with that while we were dating, but now that we are married he is there for me no matter what.

       In our society, a main question is now, does marriage matter? I say, absolutely. Many people are living together; either hoping to use it as a precursor to marriage or a substitute, but I tell you that it lacks commitment. The age for first time marriages is rising, because people are having a harder time committing to anything. No one even has to commit to a certain phone for two years anymore. People can trade in their phone or their car each year or more frequently when something different and/or better is released. Individuals fear that if they commit and marry someone that there will be someone that was a better choice.

       Living life believing that there is always something better around the corner and that you have to indulge in it is a complete Merry-Go-Round. I have not been married all that long, but I have already had realized that my life could not be so worthwhile without my marriage, the growth that is occurring within myself, within my husband, and in our relationship...our marriage.

    President Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles stated,

                                    "Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life,
                                     is a precious, living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek
                                      to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any
                                      prospect of life, we seek healing again and again.
                                      The same should be true of our marriages, and if
                                       we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us.”

     I absolutely love that quote. Marriage is hard! I am sure there will be times throughout my marriage where yeah! It will feel like giving up would be much easier. In the middle of a heated discussion or on the brink of a big decision it would be kind of awesome to be able to just say, 'you know what, let's stop this whole thing now and go get some ice cream. Then I can start fresh with my life!'

     Something I have noticed in my short two and a half years of marriage is that it is just past the storms or the treks up a mountain that we have the most wonderful times, the sweetest memories and the most refreshing feelings of strength. I am so grateful that I get to go on this huge journey of life with my husband and that he is strong when I am weak and I can be strong when he is weak and even during the times that we are both feeling weak we have each other and the Lord.

    Many people believe that because they come from a home where there was divorce or a lack of the ideal structure that they cannot have a successful marriage. Any individual can decide who they are going to be and how they will live their life.

     A quote that explains that perfectly says,

                                     “A transitional character is one who, in a single 
                                          generation, changes the entire course of a lineage.
                                          The changes might be for good or ill, but the most
                                          noteworthy examples are those individuals who 
                                         grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive 
                                         environment and who somehow find a way to
                                         metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to
                                         their children. They break the mold. They refute 
                                        the observation that abused children become 
                                        abusive parents, that the children of alcoholics 
                                         become alcoholic adults, that “the sins of the 
                                        fathers are visited upon the heads of the children 
                                        to the third and fourth generation.” Their contribution 
                                        to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their
                                        own lineage so that the generations downstream will 
                                        have a supportive foundation upon which to build 
                                        productive lives.” (Carlfred, p. 18)
      
       I believe that commitment is something that we each should work on in our lives. If there are more committed people: to their marriages, to the idea if marriage, to their jobs, to their families, etc. we can become more than we could have ever hoped.  I know many people, whom everyone seems to be labeling as "the millennials" who really are having a hard time with commitment. I tell you, the best thing I ever did was COMMIT. Commit to loving my husband, Rybot, always. 

     
          Dallin H. Oaks also said, "...In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.”  I tell you, I am so far from perfect, but I am given so many opportunities to become better each day as I realize that I want to be better. I want to be a better wife, a happier wife, able to help my husband to be better and happier as well.

      Marriage CAN work, it DOES work. I would encourage everyone to start looking for marriages that are working and to strive to have a marriage like those that are around. I encourage everyone to stop watching shows where marriage is mocked and shown not working. The things we view have a profound influence on our beliefs.

Sources:

Amato, P. (Fall, 2005). The impact of family formation change on the cognitive, social, and emotional well-being of the next generation. The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96.

Oaks, D.H. (May 2007). Divorce. Ensign.

State of Our Unions 2012; The National Marriage Project.