In the book, "Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage", by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD, it says, "Most of us want the prize without paying the price"(p.40). Later in the same chapter, chapter 2, it says, "In striking the marriage bargain, we are (unknowingly)giving up the egocentrisms of childhood in favor of the charity of Godhood. We make a covenantal step toward unselfishnes"(p.43). This is something that I think about a lot. In marriage, we are given the greatest opportunity to become like our Heavenly Father and like Jesus Christ; selfless and being able to truly understand charity.
Marriage is hard, but it also can be so fun! Before getting married, Rybot and I had a lot of fun. We were going to school at BYU-Idaho and somehow seemed to have plenty of free time. We spent a lot of time in one of the large buildings on campus reading, talking, analyzing the artwork, dreaming, and building our love maps. Love Map is a term from Dr. Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". He says, "...emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's world. I call this having a richly detailed love map--my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner's life" (p. 54).
Before marriage we easily and freely build our love maps of our future spouse. This is something that I hope is common practice. The thing about love maps is that they must be constantly updated to be able to strengthen our marriages. Within Dr. Gottman's book there are several questionnaire's or games to play between spouses and as Rybot and I did the first one, questioning some of the significant times in our lives or our favorite things, it was interesting to see the things that we still believed about each other that we had shared over 3 years ago. As I better know and understand my husband, his hopes and dreams, I can better serve him. In the gospel of Jesus Christ we are taught that marriage is eternal, but for it to be eternal we don't just get married and move on; we have got to work at loving our spouse everyday and helping them on their journey. The main idea that I think brings this all together and it works in all relationships is that you must give more than you take; that is charity and that is putting someone else's needs above your own. That is the best investment we can make.
When you are thinking about the bigger picture or
remembering that your spouse is your best friend and that you love them, how
much harder is it to continue on your selfish rampage, your complaining about
the smallest things? In my marriage I am probably (most definitely) the biggest
instigator of arguments. John Gottman, author of “The Seven Principles of
Making Marriage Work” says that this is a genetic difference between male and
female. As females, we are accustomed to reregulating our feelings more easily,
thus conflict may not bother us as much. A male, my husband, is more likely to
shrug off something that is irritating him to avoid a conflict and bringing to
the surface ill feelings.
John
Gottman wrote in his book, “Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it
offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.” I
am so grateful that I count my husband as my best friend. Just because we are
best friends definitely does not mean that conflict and petty arguments don’t
arise. When love and friendship lead in our marriages, we learn how to manage
our conflicts in a way that does not degrade either spouse. Repair attempts are tricks that are used in most relationships and conflicts. Some are successful
while others are not. Learning a repair technique that works in your marriage
can be so beneficial.
Between
Rybot and I, repair attempts vary. One repair attempt I use quite often is any
quote that comes to mind from the awesome movie, “Finding Nemo”. This could be
something like, “just keep swimming, swimming, swimming”, when we are talking
about finances or something else that we just have to swim through in life.
During an argument, I urge anyone, especially myself, to take a moment to pause
and analyze the way that you personally are escalating the fight and decide to
not ramp up the tension, but to listen, maybe use a repair attempt, maybe even
back down if you realize you are in the wrong.
This is
so hard for me. I get really emotionally fueled and can go on and on. A couple
of weeks ago Rybot asked me what he could do better. I didn’t realize he was
talking about one specific thing that we had been talking about earlier. When
he asked that, I was already mulling over in my mind the things that were bothering
me. I went into a full blown attack, criticizing a million things that he doesn’t
do, slacks on, doesn’t reach my expectations on, etc. I saw all life, happiness
drain from him. Of course he stonewalled me, meaning he had nothing to reply
with. He wanted this horrible attack to cease. So, he left the room and went to
start doing dishes. That was what I wanted from him, wasn’t it? I knew I had hurt
him, but instead of immediately going to apologize, I continued to walk into
the kitchen to throw a few more knives, attack a little more. I probably did
this a couple times before I took a minute to bring down the evil that seemed
to take over my spirit. I remember thinking, “oh my gosh, I just let Satan
totally take over here. How horrible!” I
went into the kitchen and stared at him until he looked up at me, He said he
loved me and I said I was so sorry. A little later I told him that Satan took
over. That was my little repair attempt.
That whole
conflict would never have happened had I let love lead my words and my actions.
He wasn’t even fighting back, this was a one sided attack. I think that is when
I most easily go over the top, because I didn’t even have to compete with
counterattacks; hey, it’s pretty easy to rub someone’s face in the ground when
they are already down there, right?
John
Gottman teaches of the “Four Horseman”, the things that lead to divorce and
unhappiness in marriage. These are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and
stonewalling. I encourage anyone to look these up and to focus on how they are
dealing with disagreements in their relationships, particularly marriage. After
learning about these things, I don’t think any of us are in the clear of using
some of these detrimental tactics in our relations.
In the weeks leading up to marrying my husband, I read some different books that were given to me such as, "Sacred Union" and "Endowed From On High". I went through Temple Preparation in my student ward. I felt as though I was doing a final cram session before the big test. I had a testimony of the importance of temple marriage and that families can be together forever. Temple marriage and sealing is the key to getting to be with our Heavenly Father.
Our wedding day was the very beginning of the true test; journey to return to Him. I am learning every day about how to have a covenant marriage and not just a contractual marriage. I am so grateful for the Holy Temples. The temple reminds me of what I and my husband are striving for.
Less than a year into marriage my husband and I decided that we wanted to start having children. I was able to get pregnant and of course the anticipation began to build. We were so excited. I began to realize that being a wife and mother was really all I wanted. I had always been, and still am to some degree, afraid to voice that, because the world tells us that those things are on the side of what we are to become and do. I was so excited to be able to dedicate my life to being a mother and wife. Just before reaching 15 weeks pregnant I had a miscarriage.
This was so hard and I could hardly look at my husband, because surely he was upset with me, didn't want a wife who couldn't have a baby, etc. There are so many things that went through my mind at that time. The main thing on my mind was that I was SO grateful to be married in the temple, to be sealed to Rybot for time and all eternity. I knew that all that is not fair or right in the world will be made right, because of the atonement of Jesus Christ.
Those few months after this, was the first big trial during our marriage. I remember a few months before I had gotten pregnant; Rybot and I had been talking about how wonderful everything was going in our lives. We talked about how when things are going too good you wonder when the trial in your life is going to show up. Well, it did show up. Rybot stood by me, held me when I couldn't hold it together, patiently waited for me to be able to talk.
Thinking back on that time, I think of how Rybot exemplified a man in a covenant marriage. He lifted me up, shared his testimony with me, loved me and he does that every day. There are distinct things that make a marriage covenant and not just contractual.
What I will do to be sure I have a covenant marriage:
There are inherent differences between males and females. These differences help to form society. In The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we believe that the family is the basic unit of society. As I think about the unique relationship that occurs in a male-female relationship I think about symbiotic relationships. I looked up symbiotic relationships and found that obligate symbiosis is when two organisms are in a symbiotic relationship because they cannot survive without one another. Without the traditional romantic relationships/marriages of man and woman there would be no survival. To me this makes complete sense and thus of course traditional marriage is all there should be. Now, there are many other reasons why I stand for traditional marriage. Some points being that marriage is ordained of God, not a man-created contract that we even have the authority to reconstruct as well as the point that our in-born emotional capabilities call for the need of emotional and physical intermingling of the two sexes.
One thing that I have noticed is that many girls turn to homosexual
behavior when they are not getting wanted attention from males or this necessary emotional connection. I watched many
girls from middle school into high school strive to be noticed by the boys and
soon after they started to “date” girls. Girls are easier to connect with, they
could relate better, etc. That is normal, because as girls, we do relate
better, we can be comrades. Girls are meant to be friends, able to
discuss things, but not to be romantically intimate.
In a male-female romantic relationship there is a unique
finding in learning to communicate with the opposite sex and becoming more
developed. This bonds the two genders together. The bond is being lost with all
of the homosexual relations occurring. The world is telling us that everything
is more open now and that differences are being dissolved. Why would we want to
dissolve the inherent differences? Those differences between male and female are
vitally important. Women are better than men at many things and men are better
than women at other things. There is a reason there is man and woman and not one
neutral gender. Masculinity and femininity cover all of the emotional needs and
understandings of the world.
President Russell M. Nelson said, “Male and
female are created for what they can do and become, together. It takes a man
and a woman to bring a child into the world. Mothers and fathers are not
interchangeable. Men and women are distinct and complementary. Children deserve
a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad.”
The Family: A Proclamation to the
World states, “ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of
God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as
such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic
of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”
It is easy to see and understand the opinion that it doesn’t matter what someone else does, it’s their choice,
or better yet, 2 Nephi 28:7 “Yea, and there shall be many which shall say: Eat,
drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die; and it shall be well with us.” It
makes sense if you do not believe in God. With that thinking there is really no
point to most anything in life and ethics of any sort are out the window. Knowing
there is a Father in Heaven, a Creator, I continue.
Marriage is instituted and ordained of God. We, as
citizens or members of a court have no place in changing the institution of
marriage. Supreme Court Justice Alito, when dissenting the legalization of same-sex marriage stated, “The Members of this Court have
the authority and the responsibility to interpret and apply the Constitution.
Thus, if the Constitution contained a provision guaranteeing the right to marry
a person of the same sex, it would be our duty to enforce that right. But the
Constitution simply does not speak to the issue of same-sex marriage.” (Obergefell
v. Hodges (2015).
President Nelson stated similarly, “God
is the Father of all men and women. They are His children. It was He who
ordained marriage as the union of a man and a woman. Marriage was not created
by human judges or legislators. It was not created by think tanks or by popular
vote or by oft-quoted bloggers or by pundits. It was not created by lobbyists.
Marriage was created by God!”
Why did God ordain marriage and why
is it so important? It is through marriage that we can truly become and where
the gaps are filled and there is true integrity.
President Nelson completed this
thought perfectly by saying, “There is great power in a strong partnership.
True partners can achieve more than the sum of each acting alone. With true
partners, one plus one is much more than two. For example, Dr. Will Mayo and
his brother, Dr. Charles Mayo, formed the Mayo Clinic. Lawyers and others form
important partnerships. And in marriage, a husband and wife can form the most
significant partnership of all—an eternal family.”
Extra food for thought:
“And blessed are all they who are
persecuted for my name’s sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” 3 Nephi 12:10
Who’s on the Lord’s Side Lyrics:
1. Who's on the Lord's side? Who?
Now is the time to show.
We ask it fearlessly:
Who's on the Lord's side? Who?
We wage no common war,
Cope with no common foe.
The enemy's awake;
Who's on the Lord's side? Who?
2. We serve the living God,
And want his foes to know
That, if but few, we're great;
Who's on the Lord's side? Who?
We're going on to win;
No fear must blanch the brow.
The Lord of Hosts is ours;
Who's on the Lord's side? Who?
4. The pow'rs of earth and hell
In rage direct the blow
That's aimed to crush the work;
Who's on the Lord's side? Who?
Truth, life, and liberty,
Freedom from death and woe,
Are stakes we're fighting for;
Who's on the Lord's side? Who?
(Chorus)
Who's on the Lord's side? Who?
Now is the time to show.
We ask it fearlessly:
Who's on the Lord's side? Who? Sources: The Family: A Proclamation to the World, The First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
Obergefell v. Hodges (2015)
Nelson, Russell M. (2014, Aug. 14). Disciples of Jesus
Christ-Defenders of Marriage. Brigham
Does anyone really care if my marriage is strong or fails? This is a question that probably many people ask. Many people wonder if marriage is even important, if children really need their parents to be married. I can tell you that it does matter. We can observe so many different families and their marriage circumstances. Time and again we see that marriage is what works. Yes, there are exceptions, but a solid family where the parents are married is the ideal and what works the best.
One problem that individuals in the world face is feelings of loneliness and not having someone to lean on. We have friends and people that are around, but in marriage you have someone who you can/should be able to trust completely. Married people typically have better all over health, especially emotional health. My husband is someone who I don't have to worry about putting up a strong front for or worry what he thinks of me. We dealt with that while we were dating, but now that we are married he is there for me no matter what.
In our society, a main question is now, does marriage matter? I say, absolutely. Many people are living together; either hoping to use it as a precursor to marriage or a substitute, but I tell you that it lacks commitment. The age for first time marriages is rising, because people are having a harder time committing to anything. No one even has to commit to a certain phone for two years anymore. People can trade in their phone or their car each year or more frequently when something different and/or better is released. Individuals fear that if they commit and marry someone that there will be someone that was a better choice.
Living life believing that there is always something better around the corner and that you have to indulge in it is a complete Merry-Go-Round. I have not been married all that long, but I have already had realized that my life could not be so worthwhile without my marriage, the growth that is occurring within myself, within my husband, and in our relationship...our marriage.
President Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles stated,
"Under the law of the Lord, a marriage, like a human life,
is a precious, living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek
to heal them. We
do not give up. While there is any
prospect of life, we seek healing again and
again.
The same should be true of our marriages, and if
we seek Him, the Lord
will help us and heal us.”
I absolutely love that quote. Marriage is hard! I am sure there will be times throughout my marriage where yeah! It will feel like giving up would be much easier. In the middle of a heated discussion or on the brink of a big decision it would be kind of awesome to be able to just say, 'you know what, let's stop this whole thing now and go get some ice cream. Then I can start fresh with my life!'
Something I have noticed in my short two and a half years of marriage is that it is just past the storms or the treks up a mountain that we have the most wonderful times, the sweetest memories and the most refreshing feelings of strength. I am so grateful that I get to go on this huge journey of life with my husband and that he is strong when I am weak and I can be strong when he is weak and even during the times that we are both feeling weak we have each other and the Lord.
Many people believe that because they come from a home where there was divorce or a lack of the ideal structure that they cannot have a successful marriage. Any individual can decide who they are going to be and how they will live their life.
A quote that explains that perfectly says,
“A
transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire
course of a lineage. The changes might be for good or ill, but the most noteworthy examples are those individuals who grow up in an abusive,
emotionally destructive environment and who somehow find a way to metabolize
the poison and refuse to pass it on to their children. They break the mold.
They refute the observation that abused
children become abusive parents, that the children of alcoholics become
alcoholic adults, that “the sins of the fathers are visited upon the heads of
the children to the third and fourth generation.” Their contribution to
humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the
generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives.” (Carlfred, p. 18) I believe that commitment is something that we each should work on in our lives. If there are more committed people: to their marriages, to the idea if marriage, to their jobs, to their families, etc. we can become more than we could have ever hoped. I know many people, whom everyone seems to be labeling as "the millennials" who really are having a hard time with commitment. I tell you, the best thing I ever did was COMMIT. Commit to loving my husband, Rybot, always.
Dallin H. Oaks also said, "...In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does
not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a
woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” I tell you, I am so far from perfect, but I am given so many opportunities to become better each day as I realize that I want to be better. I want to be a better wife, a happier wife, able to help my husband to be better and happier as well.
Marriage CAN work, it DOES work. I would encourage everyone to start looking for marriages that are working and to strive to have a marriage like those that are around. I encourage everyone to stop watching shows where marriage is mocked and shown not working. The things we view have a profound influence on our beliefs.
Sources:
Amato, P. (Fall, 2005). The impact of family formation
change on the cognitive, social, and emotional well-being of the next
generation. The Future of Children, 15(2), 75-96.
1. Christ told the other man on the cross that he would go to paradise. This paradise is where He would be able to be in the Spirit world with other spirits. He would have the opportunity to learn more of Christ and to come unto Him. He is once of those who has an opportunity to accept the gospel.
2. Christ made so that all could have a chance to learn of Him and have a chance to repent. Because He was crucified and rose again so will we and He taught those in spirit prison. That work is still being done and now we do temple work for those who have passed and they can choose to accept those ordinances.
3. Individuals Christ was compassionate towards in His last hours before crucifixion:
The 12 disciples who slept while He was suffering in Gethsemane, He told them to sleep on...
Judas as he brought soldiers to take Christ away, he called Judas 'friend'
Those who wanted Him crucified, "Forgive them, for they know not what they do"
His mother---made sure she had someone to take care of her, some family.
4. How these scriptures reveal something about Christ's character and His divine nature:
Matthew 27:47 He felt completely alone, more alone than any of us ever have to feel.
Luke 23:34 He loves everyone and didn't want anyone to have to be responsible for what had to be done.
Luke 23:43 He still wanted to comfort everyone and was happy that He would be able to teach this man once they both passed.
Luke 23:46 He submitted His will with the Father's, there will was one.
John 19: 26-27 He is compassionate and cares for those around Him, making sure they are taken care of.
John 19:28 He wanted to have one last taste of something before He died, though He would live again.
John 19:30 He is calm and humble. He was exhausted and finished, but did not become angry.
What the Savior taught about what the Holy Ghost does and what disciples must do to receive the Holy Ghost:
John 14:15-17 Keep the commandments, He comforts, dwells within you
John 14:26-27 teaches all, reminds of things, gives peace
John 15:26-27 Testifies of Christ, We must bear witness
John 16:7-8 reprimands the world of sin
John 16:13-14 Guide into truth, Glorify God
Will not leave us comfortless, If we seek to do good we will have that Holy Spirit with us.
President Gordon B. Hinckley (1910–2008) taught:
“The Holy Ghost is the Testifier of Truth, who can teach men things they cannot teach one another. … Moroni [declared], ‘And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things’
The Holy Ghost helped the apostles after Christ's death and resurrection to fulfill their missions. He taught them and helped them to recognize what was needful and what was not.
The Holy Ghost has definitely been there for me in all times of trials and struggles. In the beginning of High School my favorite uncle was having many health issues and there came a day that was very scary that we did not know what was going to happen to him. I prayed so fervently that afternoon after school and I began to fast. I cried a lot, but I felt immediate peace. I remember the next day at school as I was ending my fast near the end of the day. I was looking up at the clock and just pondering/praying, hoping that I would be able to hear some good news when I got home. I had so much peace and reassurance that things would work out. Of course the journey is not easy when certain things happen, but we can have peace and feel the Savior near.
